Message Boards

What I have learned from message boards and e-mails

I want to thank you for your educational posts over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern , I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

An I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor�s ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING - YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY

thanks, mb sister, for sharing this hilarious piece. the ironic part is that some of it is true.

That's a good one.

Seen it before but get a giggle everytime!!!
What did we ever do without email!!!

Thanks for a much needed morning chuckle!!!

Oh Thanks, Karen...this really made me LOL. Your post even woke me up to a few new things to be paranoid about.

That was really good and really funny!!! (& true!!!) Thank you sooooo much Karen, I really needed it this morning!!!!

Just received this in an email myself..........goodness, the truth in that piece....we are all probably paranoid!

and yes, I read it with my hand on the mouse!

ve

Gee, thanks Karen, I now have several more things to worry about! LOL Hadn't heard all of those dire warnings before. What a world we live in!

Isn't everyone's hand glued to their mouse? LOL

Ya'al are welcome. Glad you got a chuckle.
But they were wrong on the toothbrush/toilet...at least from what I've read...the toilet can send stuff up to 20'...keep your toothbrushes covered!

or keep the lid down.

edited to add: why is it on many of the home tour shows on HGTV.. 'House Hunters' etc.. you so often see the lid up when they show the bathroom. that is so unappealing looking. am i the only one it bugs?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bana,

I'm with bana...close the lid.