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Because we normally play on Monday at the university, and because the university was closed a/c Columbus day, one of our members who belongs to a golf club; invited all of the membership (+ some non members) to play at the golf club and have lunch first if they so desired.

three or so of them were having lunch when a fourth person entered. This woman was wearing perfume. She stayed for a minute and then went into the larger room where we would be playing.

Two of the women then turned to the hostess woman and complained about the perfume saying they would not play with her because of it. The parent organization of our playing, OLLI, does have a stricture about perfume wearing (although all the activities in that bldg do not have such a stricture) the golf club also has no such stricture. If you had been the hostess woman what would you have done? She did say that she would play with the perfume woman so the others would not have to (I also did as did one other woman)

This message has been edited. Last edited by: lady of shallot,

That's a tough situation for a hostess. I get an instant headache from fragrances, so I sympathize with those who didn't want to play near her, yet I would hate to be ungracious. I think the hostess did the best she could by playing with the woman and finding two other members who could tolerate the fragrance. If the perfume-wearing woman isn't a member of your group, nothing more needs to be done. If she is, then the head of your organization needs to impress upon her privately that members are asked to forego wearing fragrance at events to avoid an embarrassing situation from arising in the future.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Graciepj,

First, let me say that I think "Graciepj's" posted a well-reasoned and rational response.

However, I have real trouble with the two women who complained as well as so many other people now days that think they are above everyone else and want every single thing regulated to excess so that THEY won't be inconvenienced or disturbed by the actions of others.

Excessive perfume (and cologne for that matter) has always been around as well as bad breath and body odor ~ sorry, but the way it has always been dealt with by polite individuals with good manners is to ignore the matter and rise above such petty concerns.

I personally do not care much for fragrances myself but think I would rather play with the woman who was wearing too much than with the other two judgmental women. I'm sure they would find something to complain about me - behind my back, of course - after the game was over....

And, yes, I realize that some individuals are allergic and on and on and on BUT think this trying to make others behave, believe and act just as the complainers believe everyone should behave, believe and act has gone too far.

I believe the hostess handled the matter as well as possible under the circumstances. LOS, sounds like this group sure has some particular individuals in it ~ I'm not too sure I would enjoy their company myself. Do you?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Idaho Resident,

"And, yes, I realize that some individuals are allergic and on and on and on BUT think this trying to make others behave, believe and act just as the complainers believe everyone should behave, believe and act has gone too far."

I was guilty of trying to make others behave, believe and act as I thought they should. Guess what, I was the most unhappy person around. I finally learned, I can only control my behavior and reaction to others and situations. Guess what, I am way happier letting people be and expect nothing from them (can't be disappointed). I, too, am allergic to cologne, but I just sit downwind or farthest away from the person with the cologne. Had a friend once who wore a lot of cologne, he said he did it because of the medications he took, which he felt made him smell bad.
I agree that the hostess was most gracious as were you LOS. But, someone should remind all members of the no cologne rule, so there won't be this type of situation again. Do you all have a short meeting before playing, maybe you should if you don't.

Each one of you has said something I would like to have quoted to start my response.

I think I have kind of an acute sense of smell (DH as an artist is often using something I can detect from one floor away) and I did not smell the perfume on the woman (also did not know it was an issue till the end of the session)

On Friday I was playing with the two women who complained and one of the said to me "someone is wearing perfume" I was not, nor of course were they and I had been playing with the other members that were there and none of them were either. So I said no one here is wearing perfume. She responded, well I can taste it!

Gracie, unfortunately we do not have a leader, only a woman who acts as liaison with the university. We do need one also for questions that arise with the game itself.

I think mostly my attitude is that IR expresses.
I suspect that often this is just an excuse to have others defer to oneself. Also the OLLI Group has a stricture against perfume but none against after shave!

IR I do think the women in this group are not so gracious or friendly. The perfume woman yesterday when I said I would not be playing on Friday because we were going to see Cirque du Soilel (sp?) said "oh, that show is no good, you have to go to Las Vegas to see the real thing!
that was a rude thing to say esp as for us it is a big deal to see a live performance of anything and a stretch to our budget, as it would be for many people.

The group meets usually on a drop in basis. There is no formal organization of us, never know exactly who will be there and who will not, and there are also varying degrees of relationships within the group. My best friend plays once a week, a semi good friend and I am also beginning to be friendly with another woman. That is more the way it is.

The hostess did address the perfume thing with the perfume woman. What I think she should have done was initially say to the two complainers, "look so and so is my guest here, as you are too, this club has no restriction regarding perfume, so if it offends you sit at another table and then if she goes to OLLI, you can address it with her then."

I think that they should have displayed better manners and not even mentioned it. I have a very good friend who will not sit beside anyone who is wearing perfume and always insists that I sit beside that person because I am not allergic to perfume. This friend is not allergic to perfume because she herself takes a bath in it and it is awful when I have to sit down wind of her.

Obviously you have not had a coughing fit, been unable to draw a breath or have had to go outside to get some clean air.

Yes, it is possible these women were just "jumping on the band wagon" so to speak. We (meaning Americans in general) tend to do that. But that does not mean it was not a threat to someones safety. Just because you cannot smell it doesn't mean it is not there. I can tell when someone used talc after a shower.

To place the people far apart, without judging them, was the best thing.

I wear cologne daily. There is one dear friend who is allergic to the fragrances in the air so I dutifully do not wear it when I know I will be with her. However, it is such a habit to put it on when I am readying to leave home that occasionally it gets sprayed before I remember and then try like the dickens to wash it off.

In my humble opinion, having rules mandating against wearing of fragrance invades my privacy in public. Shampoo, deoderant, hairspray, body lotion, dry cleaning fumes all smell!
I would not belong to any group prohibiting fragrance from being worn.

Seems there are some members of your group that need their noses brought down several notches with all the trouble, comments and attitudes amongst the players!

quote:

Shampoo, deoderant, hairspray, body lotion, dry cleaning fumes all smell!
I would not belong to any group prohibiting fragrance from being worn.

I know, Lurah. Sometimes one of the anti perfume woman will bring in chewing gum to share. This has a sickeningly sweet smell, which I find offensive, but would never say so.

It isn't the group that forbids the wearing of perfume. It is the program, in other words this is a senior college which has many different classes. This applies to all members of this senior college.

Hey, LOS, that rude person that said something about the show sounds like my sister. In her case, we have all told her how she's rude and abrupt with people, but it hasn't phased her. She's very opinionated and I'm thinking it's her personality and put up with her cuz she's family. If she says something negative to me, I just say, "Ok, now say something nice." My way of telling her she was rude again.
(Learned that in a 2nd grade self esteem class I was doing way back when.)

Emily, you certainly have some characters in that group - not sure I could enjoy it myself. Sure wish someone would bring them down a peg or two. Too bad you can't get a couple of tables of women together who are compatible and take turns playing in your homes.

quote:

Too bad you can't get a couple of tables of women together who are compatible and take turns playing in your homes.

I actually am thinking about offering to teach this at our community center in town. Its not rocket science. I am trying to get other groups together and four of us are now a Monday splinter group.

And we all swear we aren't going to get grumpy like our mothers when we get OLD!

It must be very difficult thing to avoid.

I clearly remember sitting in the car with my mother swearing to me she wasn't going to be like her mom when she retired.

And now I'm reminding her of it, and telling my daughter I promise I won't be like grandma when I get to be that age!

Well if I think my group is bad my sister told me a story today that tops mine.

Her library has community rooms. Groups can use these rooms for meetings. A patron of the library complained to the librarian that she did not like the content of what the group was saying and did not want her child exposed to it!

She was not in the room nor was her child. The group was not using offensive or derogatory language (at least my sister did not report any) however the city my sister lives in abuts an Indian reservation and the people at the meeting were Native Americans.