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This question falls on the "entertaining" rather than the "food" side of this board.

I belong to a hobby group. As is natural, most members feel an affinity with certain members and less for others, but everyone is very pleasant to each other and we all have a good time when the hobby group meets.

Recently, one of the members has informally taken the lead on organizing celebrations (usually dinner out) for members birthdays, job promotions, arrival of grandchild, etc. All members of the hobby group are invited to these celebrations. Everyone who attends pays their own way and also chips in for the honoree's meal.

The problem is that this member is taking the lead on plan celebrations only for the members for which she feels an affinity while the other member's special occasions are ignored by her. Obviously, the discrepancy is hurtful to those whose special moments are disregarded.

Question:
What, if anything, do you feel should be done?

Choices:
The planning member should be told to be inclusive in planning member's celebrations
Another member should step up to plan the celebrations for the "ignored" members
Other (explain)

 

You should reply to the next invitation that you will not be attending because you find the situation very rude. After all you aren't in Jr High anymore and that is exactly how she is behaving. The same thing happened to a group that I am involved with. After two of us spoke up, things were changed and things have been fine.

I agree with grp18. Someone should take the organizer aside and suggest that either organize the extracuricular activities for all members of the group or do it apart from the group.

Definitely tell her that everyone enjoys the special occasions that she plans and that everyone should be included.

How big is the group? I can see that getting out of hand if every birthday, grandchld etc. is considered.

Why not pick one day a month, say the third Thursday and have a celebration for everyone that had a birthday that month, new grandchild, facelift or whatever to celebrate. That way everyone is included as guest and honoree.

I voted Other.
At the next meeting say something about events are being missed and you know that it's not intentional. Get a calendar and have everyone write down their birthdays. Someone else keep the calendar and when there's a job promotion, birth, etc. Report to the keeper of the calendar who then calls the organizer. If the organizer does not want to handle that event, have volunteers who will fill in.

I am not sure how BIG your group is but in a big group if EVERY birthday, promotion, new grandchild, is celebrated, you would be partying all the time!!!!

Do you know how the "forgotten" members feel? Do they really care?

I would suggest that you talk to her, tell her that you appreciate ALL the work she does planning these events and that it is NO FAIR that she do all the work. That you are going to pass around a calendar so that everyone can write their birthdays (and anniversaries) on it and then she can do the first birthday planning, then that birthday person plans the next, and that person plans the next.

(By planning, I mean they contact the "honoree" as to the date, then contact the rest of the members about the date and place (if you don't have a set place) and who comes comes).

We have a birthday group and we do it that way. The only difference is that in our group, the "planner/former birthday person" pays for the current birthday person (which means you pay for 1 meal which probably isn't any more than paying part of many meals)

Then that person plans the next, etc. etc.

Your story reminded me of a group of ladies in my town -- someone planned a birthday celebration, MANY were invited and we were all to chip in $10 to $15 for the present (it was usually snacks and drinks at a home) and with 20 or so that was a nice present!!!

But it was interesting that that only happened to five or so -- the rest of us never had a birthday party with a great gift! Sigh!

I liked the honorees and was only too happy to help them celebrate and it was usually "milestone" birthdays but . . . .

Martha

Thank you for your replies, everyone. I will take many of your comments and suggestions forward to the group for discussion. I don't think the informal leader is deliberately acting in a hurtful manner, but she's not realizing that, if everyone in the club is invited to celebrations for only half of the club member's special occasions, there's a problem that needs fixed.

Looks like you have already received some very good suggestions about this situation - and it is explosive even if it hasn't exploded - YET!

When people are in a group of any type, of course, some will drift more towards some than others BUT making a secondary event geared only toward certain "select" individuals will guarantee an "implosion" even if all are invited. Perhaps this woman doesn't realize that THAT is the trail she is heading down along with some of the hobby group?

I do think someone (you?) should bring the subject up BEFORE it brings the whole group down. BTW, I would really like to know the focus of the group - doesn't really matter - I'm just curious!

But the bottom line is this: the group came together for a common interest and now it is being diminished by these "outside-get-togethers" who have left some people out. Think it is time to bring it to the attention of the group as a whole - maybe elect this individual to be responsible for "extra-curricular" activities where people sign up who wish to be involved with other get-togethers outside of the hobby group's area.

That way, the initial group can stay intact and those who wish to engage in more activities with other individuals can do so as well. Win-win for everyone involved....