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I am a member of a small group who does charitable projects. Occasionally we go out for lunch. I have several food allergies. but I can usually choose items that don't react on me. My friends are aware of this, and no comments are made. Recently a newer member asked us to come to her home for lunch. She was present when we were talking about allergies some of us have. I reluctantly went to her lunch - guess what!! She had prepared THREE dishes that contain items I can't eat. She tried to get me to taste them! I know I can't do so safely. Later she told other members I was rude to not even try. I felt like a hypocrite writing a thank you note - so I complimented her on the house and pretty table setting - but did not mention the food. Other than never go back there - what would you do? | ||
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I understand what you are going through. I am very lactose intolerant and have found myself in the same situation you were in. Other than not going back, I'm not sure what the best answer is. I do try to avoid situations such as this, but sometimes it just isn't possible. If it happens again, you might have to be direct and to the point-"I would love to try the _________. It look wonderful, but I know I will_____________ if I do, so I will have to pass on it." | |||
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I would educate her about food allergies. What if she fed a child with food allergies a food they were allergic to. She could endanger the child. They have been airing commercials where I live warning about anaplylaxis and food allergies. This is is a link to the U.S. National Library of Medicine site - http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001820/ People can be insensitive and need to be educated. Sometime they know better and are just stubborn. I have difficulty metabolizing alcohol. I can't tell you how many times I have told acquaintances that I can't drink alcohol who insist I have one drink. What's worse is the reason they believe I can't drink alcohol is because they think I'm an alcoholic. How stupid or insensitive does one have to be to push alcohol on someone they think is an alcoholic. That is why I think you should educate this women because I believe she doesn't understand that she is asking someone to make themselves sick. It's worse than being an alcoholic offered a drink; her actions could cause a life threatening reaction in an allergic individual. | ||||
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At the time if your hostess is that dense, say exactly (fill in the blank) what Bama wrote in her response. Anyone who is silly (I would write stupid, but I'm sure I would offend someone.  ) enough to encourage someone to try something they have mentioned is a problem needs to have it spelled out. Perhaps if it was noisy or she might not have picked up that it was an allergy and not just a dislike while discussing the topic at a previous luncheon, she could be cut a little slack. but if you told her at the luncheon - how lovely but I'm allergic to.... - then there is no excuse for stupid.This message has been edited. Last edited by: Charming, | |||
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Good on you for your courtesy in sending a thank you note to a not very courteous hostess. I hope this new member isn't a t r o l l personality that will end up ruining your organization. | ||||
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Hopefully the other members stuck up for you with: We prefer that she not try anything that might cause anaphylactic shock. If we had to call an ambulance or the undertaker, our evening would be absolutely ruined. Pass that last brownie please.  This message has been edited. Last edited by: KeepYouInStitches, Sherry Does this hat make my butt look big? www.keepyouinstitches.blogspot.com http://s193.photobucket.com/al...9/keepyouinstitches/ www.friendsofthedaingerfieldpu...library.blogspot.com | |||
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I loved your responses! Yes. someone did speak up about it (I was going to!) and she replied no one she knew had any allergies - hard to believe! I hear by grapevine she may be quitting us. Seems we are too old and our group is too unstructured = we have no officers, by-laws etc. We just do worthwhile projects. No great loss! Thanks to all. | |||
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Maybe there's a percentage of people who equate a food allergy with "I just don't like"?? You're lucky host didn't try to sneak ingredients into dishes figuring... it's all in your head... which it IS NOT!! I'm knocking on wood, cuz can't think of a single food item that doesn't agree with me... might be allergic to. This doesn't count stuff I've TRIED to like but just can't... like oysters (ANY way) and liver (other than a nice pate). | ||||
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Perhaps next time you meet at someone's home you could offer bring a dish you are not allergic to. I just find it impossible anymore to eat at the homes of people due to their ignorance. Not just with allergies, but regarding food borne diseases, cleanliness (lack of) and how to REALLY kill germs, etc. many times in the name of saving money. This doesn't mean restaurants are better, but... at least I have control over the allergy part. | |||
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I wish the woman would watch these two videos. The first link is to a YouTube video put together by mothers in New Zealand whose children have food allergies. The second link is to a YouTube video of news story that aired in Wisconsin about a delayed severe reaction a little boy had. http://www.youtube.com/watch?N...VRpLFeQ&feature=fvwp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...oc&feature=fvwp&NR=1 | ||||
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I applaud you for your thank you note to her. If a future dining invite from her is presented, graciously decline. | |||
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I think you did the right thing absolutely, except I probably would have taken it a step further by saying "I wish I could have eaten your delicious-looking food but, as I thought you knew, I am allergic to X, Y and Z." So, I was sorry that I wasn't able to enjoy tasting your dishes. If she doesn't get the hint from a response such as that, she never will. On the other hand, everyone is so into "food allergies," "gluten-free," "lactose-intolerate - no dairy" etc. and the like nowdays that it is becoming a real challenge to enjoy cooking for a group. So, please, everyone, don't put a burden onto your host who is trying very hard to make and prepare dishes for you to enjoy - if you are truly allergic - just pass it on to someone else who might enjoy it.  | ||||
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This is a very touchy subject, but nothing to be ignorant and unaccomodating about. If this hostess was new and you hadn't personally had the "I have severe food allergies to X, Y & Z conversation with her" I would have telephoned her several days ahead of time under the premise of RSVPing to her invitation. During the conversation you might have mentioned the fact you have food allergies and offered to bring your own entree if necessary. She should have then reviewed her menu plans with you to see if anything was going to work or be a problem for you. Then you would know ahead what you should bring for yourself to substitute in her menu. Personally, as a hostess and nurse, I would have thanked you for the call and been happy to pull up my recipes and emailed them to you ahead or offered to prepare a dish that would have worked. In the soroity to which I belong we have a member allergic to mushrooms & MSG (canned soups) and meet for lunch in members homes. We also have two members who are fructose intolerant. When I served earlier this month the other co-hostess questioned my menu suggestions until I explained that I was trying to accomodate all allergies. In recent months I have become medically intolerant of wine and beer. I sure don't mind explaining to friends & acquaintances in our social settings why I can't drink either. Being allergic to something is nothing to be ashamed of and I see no reason to keep it "secret" or expect someone to miraclously become aware!This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lurah, | |||
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I have no tolerance for people who aren't considerate about food allergies, my 6 year old son has severe allergies, and even my sister has been guilty of not listening to his allergy list and having foods he was allergic to within reach as a toddler, now he knows most things, and will not eat them...but I have to read labels dilligently, and hate to see "New and Improved"on items I purchase regulary...I always pack food for my son, and if people get offended, I'm sorry,but his life is more important than their feelings...especially after several frightening trips to the hospital with my son limp, lifeless....there areso many recipes, and ready made foods for people with allergies, there's really no need to chance it. " Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.. " | |||
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I'm sorry she was so insensitive. Perhaps at the first gathering she didn't hear about your food allergies because she was at the other end of the table. But . . . upon being told by YOU that you were allergic to those dishes, she should have NEVER insisted you try them. When I have a guest that has food allergies my first reaction is to not include that food in the meal. That way, everyone can eat everything and they needn't worry. IMO, she was very rude to insist that you sample! Martha | |||
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Rude?? She was downright stupid! I would never ask an ADULT to taste something I cooked if they said they didn't care for it much less if they were allergic! Whether You Think You Can Or You Think You Can't..... You're Right - Henry Ford | |||
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zone, any guest in your home who won't try a dish because she/he doesn't "care for it" has had a very poor upbringing. If someone has gone to the trouble of cooking for you, the ONLY excuse for not trying each dish and pretending the meal was the best you've ever had is allergies. I have one family member who uses her food allergies to tyrannize the rest of us. And I have several others who are just plain clods who won't try anything. Their mother (my sister) once came to dinner at my house and brought McDonald's for her kids even though I hadn't said what I was serving. People like that should decline all invitations that include food. | ||||
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I do agree with zone9alady. I am an adult. I have tried liver every way you can prepare it over the course of my life. (I started to type all of my 59 years. However, about 10-12 years ago I decided that if I haven't liked it yet...my tastes are not going to change.) I have NEVER met a liver I liked. I will not eat meat so rare that the "juices" run red on my plate. I recently tried pert-near raw tuna and will NEVER do that again. I want chicken, fish, and pork cooked DONE. I do not like beets. I think they are a fantastic vegetable and loved making pickled beets for 1st DH. They taste musty - like dirt - to me. Bourbon, scotch, whiskey - turn my stomach and yes, there is a psychological (all in my head) reason for it. If you would like to know why, PM me and I will share my reason. I was at a meal about a year ago with bourbon roasted root vegetables (yes with beets) and bourbon chocolate pecan pie. I very quietly apologized to the hostess in her kitchen - just the two of us and told her my aversion to bourbon. That's all it took. A guest can refuse food making no comment, quietly, without making a scene - merely passing the plate. The host should be just as gracious and not get their nose out of joint. Do not treat me like a 12-year old child and I won't treat you like one. Sherry Does this hat make my butt look big? www.keepyouinstitches.blogspot.com http://s193.photobucket.com/al...9/keepyouinstitches/ www.friendsofthedaingerfieldpu...library.blogspot.com | |||
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We have several allergic in our family & they always offer to bring their own. As for tasting things...uuummm, I "might", but I'm not sure about at zone9lady's house...she has said some of the weird things she fixes...like eel! But she does like rabbit! ((big grin)) "The soil is the source of life, creativity, culture and real independence." David Ben-Gurion | |||
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I wonder how many votes it has cost the GOP candidate for prez because on more than one occasion he has turned up his nose at food (cookies, for example) offered to him by a friendly crowd.... | ||||
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This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lurah, | |||
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Oh? Did you miss the sight of the candidates eating ph*llic symbol fried corn dogs at the Iowa State Fair????? No, if you are running for office or bucking for a promotion, it's not a good idea to turn your nose up at the food offered to you. No telling who you might be offending. | ||||
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I agree with sms29s66 up to a point. I was an adult before I discovered broccoli and brussel sprouts were not sent here by the Soviets to terrorize Americans. My dear Mother was an excellent cook, but she had no idea with some vegetables - less is more. She cooked the life out of broccoli and never heard of roasting vegetables. So a hostess must also take into consideration of the age of her guests. Once past 30 they are very likely to overcome their aversion to a food. Sherry, I know what you mean sometimes it seems the hostess knows your absolute hates when it comes to food.  This message has been edited. Last edited by: Charming, | |||
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I can't imagine a hostess who would deliberately design a menu based on food her guests don't like. But I also can't imagine enjoying hosting a meal if I have to consult each guest to see what they are willing to eat. My home is not a restaurant, and I expect that my guests are adult enough to "suffer" thru ONE meal that might have something they don't particularly care for. As a child, I didn't like ANY vegetables and also turned up my nose at strawberry shortcake. I still don't like beets, but if you served them to me, I'd eat them as though I did--that's what good manners demand. | ||||
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As a hostess at the holidays, I have to accommodate those who are lactose intolerant, gluten intolerant, vegetarian and diabetic. Luckily, there are no severe allergies like the one to nuts where you have be careful of foods made in factories that also process nuts. Anyway, I don't make special dishes for anyone, but I try to be careful with my prep so that any vegetables are truly vegetarian with no animal products used in their cooking, the meat is gluten-free with no flour used to crust or batter it, any sauce uses a non-gluten thickener, things like that. My guests are all adults, so I figure they can fill their plate with the things that fit their dietary needs and if they are still hungry afterwards, they can eat again when they get home. As a guest who doesn't eat red meat, I will just pass it by if I have the option to fill my own plate. If the dinner is served plated, I just quietly leave the meat on the plate. I don't know what I'd do if I were served a big bowl of menudo, though. This message has been edited. Last edited by: Graciepj, | ||||
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LOL! Rabbit and Froglegs YES! eel...no. This reminds me of something that happened several years ago: Ever since my DH has been a County Director he has invited his crew to our house for a fancy Christmas dinner every year. (going on 9 years now) It started with 6 guests now it's at 22. The first year it went fine. The second year I went all out with a seafood theme. I cooked Corn and Crabmeat bisque as a second course and Maple Glazed Salmon with Pecans for the entree. Imagine my surprise when two of the husbands of DH's crew explained that they didn't eat seafood.  I sure wasn't going to tell them to go ahead and taste it. One man was a 35 year old 220lb 6ft3 Sheriff's deputy. If he says he doesn't like seafood...I believe him. LOL! It's funny, their wives sure loved the courses and ate both servings. Good thing I had appetizers, salad and dessert so they wouldn't go hungry. And no sms29s66, I do not make something else for picky eaters after I spent hours preparing a special meal. They will just have to eat what's left. Whether You Think You Can Or You Think You Can't..... You're Right - Henry Ford | |||
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Being a non-shellfish eater, I always try to have choices at a meal for a group. I'm not allergic so far as I know, I just plain don't like the stuff. And I'd certainly never insist somebody eat something they don't care for. I'd detest being expected to eat something that I don't care for. Also, I'm not going to complain about the meal to the hostess anyway. If she asks, then I'll say, but otherwise just keep my mouth shut and act like a grownup. www.floridafarmgirlsworld.blogspot.com Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. | |||
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I will never forget the birthday dinner my SIL made. I left as hungry as I was when I got there. I am very lactose intolerant. She served lasagna(full of cheese) green salad (individual salads with shredded cheeses and ranch(dairy based) dressing. Garlic bread and cake with ice cream. I pretty much picked some noodles from my lasagna, ate some bread and cake. Do I expect someone to cater to my dietary needs in their home? No, but it would have been nice to have had 1 course that had no dairy in it! I like all those foods. But if I had eaten them, after a few hours, I would have been in misery! | |||
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I have really enjoyed this discussion, as it confirms what I've been thinking about--turning down food invitations due to allergies but letting them know The Husband and I are impossible to accommodate, but can we come over after dinner to play cards, etc. AND, to continue to take guests out to eat. It's too exhausting as a host for me, personally, to do that much cooking. Heart diet, diabetes diet, low-fat, vegetarian, Nourishing Traditions diet, blood-type diet, WW diet, allergies to ..., don't care for this/that diet, etc. Yep, I think Cracker Barrel will continue to have our guesting business! If my friends want more, they need to get a new friend. That's all I can do anymore. Though I have to say, they are usually pretty happy to go out, and give their order to someone else, and we all sit back to enjoy our respective dinners, and leave the cleanup to someone else while we take in the local outdoor scenery after eating! We usually all share the bills and tips. | |||
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I usually ask guests if they have any allergies. I do make alternate foods for those who can't eat various foods. In my DH's family there are several nieces who are extremely allergic to some foods so we have adapted over the years and make lots of different dishes. | ||||
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I hope Americans will vote for policies and not what a candidate ate or didn't eat. I don't have allergies per se, but there are foods I can not eat. Serious consequences. Have trouble in restaurants and as well as in homes.This message has been edited. Last edited by: Strings, Strings Friends divide our sorrows and multiply our joys. | ||||
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I've been fortunate not to have guests or family members with any serious food allergies. The only one I am aware of is the See-Food Allergy: We see food and break out in fat. | |||
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This IMHO is a very rigid attitude. For instance I do not like corn mixed with any other foods and want to gag at the thought of creamed corn. I do not have an intolerance to it, I just don't like it. Why should I, an adult woman of 78 have to be so extraordinarily sensitive to my hosts feelings that I can not pass on one dish offered? It has been my experience that most people do this regularly in other's homes. Actually I don't think it is appropriate to demand that anyone adhere to any one else's individual standards, belief systems or habits. And of course demanding that a food allergy be ignored to please someone else borders on criminal. | ||||
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I never suggested poisoning people who have food allergies. And I was not aware that age excuses people from mannerly behavior. LOS, I remember you reaming out your relatives because they didn't send thank you notes after your anniversary party. Should we make a list of which manners no longer apply in this age?This message has been edited. Last edited by: sms29s66, | ||||
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[quote]And I was not aware that age excuses people from mannerly behavior. No age does not excuse people from mannerly behavior, but it does make one realize that abiding by someone else's arbitrary rules is rather ridiculous. I have a very dear friend who IMHO has extreme food likes and dislikes. She will not eat anything that swims, flies or walks. However she also does not like eggs or many vegetables. She also does not like milk or any derivatives of except cheese. She does not like soybean things like tofu. Since I do know what she does like, I just accommodate her in entertaining her. About responses to my anniversary party. I don't believe it was thank you notes; it was that people (these were relatives) did not respond to the hand written invitation even though responses requested were by either email or phone. However I have maintained the loving relationships I have had with those non-responders exactly as before. And by the by I do think we have lost a great deal by the crudities of life today. On the other hand people are so wonderful in many ways (I mean young people) that it is a good trade off. | ||||
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OMG!!! I have that allergy!!! | ||||
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los, what makes rules arbitrary? I think it is rude to accept an invitation to a meal and then turn up your nose at the food offered to you. What makes that arbitrary? Is that any more arbitrary than your thinking that just because you requested replies, you were entitled to them? | ||||
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I thought we were talking about a dish or two, not the entire menu. In fact you reference "each" dish. I say it is arbitrary because this is the first time I have ever heard anyone express this opinion. I suppose you could call my opinion "arbitrary" also except that this (response to invitations) is often covered in etiquette type situations. What follows is something I got from the internet. It is speaking of dieting but since you are not expected to give a reason, could cover any eating situation. No Explanation Needed . . . More often than not, the person offering the food is thinking about maintaining order and their image as a host or hostess, not your diet. When food you don’t want to eat is served, just leave it untouched while you eat the rest of your food. If it’s a single serve dish, simply tell the host you won’t be having any, and give thanks. Don’t say you’re on a diet. You are the only one who is in control of what you eat, so don’t give others food excuses like ‘I can’t or ‘I’m sorry.’ Own your healthy food conviction by not making it an issue. Bite or Flight? If someone notices you and asks why you’re not eating this or that, say you just are not interested and have already eaten. If it’s someone who may be continually offering food to you, tell them you don’t have a taste for that type of food lately. Usually this will make someone with no concern for you back off. A good host or hostess may ask what you’d like in the future. That’s when you can suggest healthier options. Won’t Take No for an Answer To the person who insists you eat something you clearly don’t want to, they are no longer being charitable, but rude, and should be treated as such. After reassuring them you’ve made up your mind and don’t want any, give thanks, and your job is done. Continue your meal, change the conversation, or revert your attention to someone or something else. If they leave the food near you, throw it away or offer it to someone else at the end of the meal. The worst thing you can do is give in to consistent badgering. The look on your face from being forced to do something you do not want to do, or worst, sabotaging your healthy lifestyle at someone else’s urging, is not an experience you should ever have to endure.This message has been edited. Last edited by: lady of shallot, | ||||
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I never said that the hostess should force her terrible taste in food on her hapless guests. I merely said that they should be polite enough to sample it. Serving yourself a bite or two won't kill you. Think of it as a tapas restaurant. I can make myself taste anything, even eel or squid, if it's only a bite or two. Your other thread on biting the hand that feeds you PLUS sitting here while Hurricane Isaac storms outside reminds me of something that happened during Hurricane Katrina. A colleague from work who has a big house welcomed her son and several of his friends from Tulane University who had evacuated from New Orleans. One of them turned out to be a vegetarian, and my colleague found herself coming home after hours of hurricane-related duties at work only to try to satisfy the WANTS (not the needs or religious beliefs) of a stranger to whom she was providing free shelter. I say that my colleague should never have known that her "guest" was a vegetarian. That "guest" should have kept her preferences to herself. I also remember a dear young man that my daughter dated for several years. He was a fixture in my house to the extent that his own mother sent word that no matter how much I fed him, I couldn't claim him as a dependent. My daughter dated him for years before telling me that he hated any dish that contained mayonnaise. Yet I remember him eating my potato salad with no complaints--indeed, with ever evidence of gusto. THAT is an example of manners!!!!! | ||||
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Well SMS29s66, to hopefully end this discussion, I can agree that in the first instance the college student should have kept her mouth shut considering all the circumstances or since obviously some food was being obtained she should have gotten her preferred food for herself. In the second instance, would you really have been offended if he had refused mayonnaise based dishes? Also why did your DD not tell you years earlier? My own very wonderful son-in-law dislikes eggs,pork and some other things. I try to please him in food offerings and am hardly offended that he won't eat the scrambled eggs on the occasions we may have them! I guess we will agree to disagree on this topic but I do sort of resent my dear parents being accused of poorly bringing up their 6 children! | ||||
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los, I doubt that my daughter knew his food preferences since of course she would have let me know pronto. And of course the minute I found out, it became a source of jokes among the three of us. I'd tell him I made the mashed potatoes with mayo, etc. Naturally, once you know of a particular food aversion, you don't subject a guest to it. BUT, you also should not have to learn of it while sitting at the table OR by a phone call prior to the dinner party grilling you over what is on the menu. Sorry you feel like your parents are being accused, but I guess they are. Having been a picky eater as a child and thus miserable at every meal, I made sure that my daughter is not! | ||||
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