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Sure hope some of you can help me out here as I really want to quit "the obligatory" Christmas gifts (read gift cards). It seems that we (DH and I) spend somewhere between $600-800 every year to buy absolutely nothing of lasting value.

I want to stop it this year! My family stopped it some 5-6 years ago but DH's family simply loves the experience of 2-3 hours of opening presents, commenting on every single gift and how wonderful, incredible and spectacular each present is....

Our two families have always gotten along well and my family has now moved away so it is just DH's family now. I love buying gifts and making people smile but none of them really NEED anything, so any ideas on how to politely tell them we are tired of participating in a 3 hour presentation of excess?

BTW, We absolutely love DH's mother (my MIL) and we would buy anything she wanted or needed immediately. Fortunately, she doesn't need anything!

So, long story short, how do you just tell people - no more "gifts" that mean absolutely nothing to them or us since they are "gift cards" for money that we never even know was received or used?

Have already tried the charitable route; tried to encourage contributions to other things, took photographs of things necessary for animals in shelters, people in adult care facilities without families, food banks for after Christmas and many other worthwhile projects and wrapped them up with some home-made goodies and a special message "the gift" did "this" but they still don't get it!

I don't want to be the bad guy. Any ideas? At this point in time, I am tempted to simply send group e-mails or telephone and say "enough is enough." Any ideas on how to handle this?

Edited to Add: Both DH and I are on the same page here; will spend any extra money we can find on worthwhile Christmas gifts. When did Christmas presents become the reason for the season instead of the season being the reason for giving gifts and expressing love?

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Idaho Resident,

Group e mail or phone sounds fine but do it now before they plan on a gift from you.Spend your money on a worthy cause in families name and include a card to let them know who you/they helped.I stopped this years ago when DMiL passed away.Everyone seemed grateful to be able to stop but didn't want to be the one to do it.LOL

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long story short, how do you just tell people - no more "gifts" that mean absolutely nothing

Since these folk are your husbands family, SHHH! Has he firmly said NO MORE, or suggested drawing names? If he has, it's his reponsibility to send the nastygram to his family.
IMHO gift cards are "cold" unless carefully chosen with a personal twist: a gormet restaurant, a spa treat, someone short of cash who would appreciate a gift card from a home improvement store.

As our once large family shrunk we reintroduced an old tradition: oldest to youngest (or reverse), but always one gift at a time per person. shake it, squeeze it, 3 guesses before unwrapping as everyone else watched (or not) before it's next persons turn.

Last year my eldest granddaughter neglected to thank me for C-mas, birthday & graduation gifts I decided to outwait her but kept my thoughts to myself - waala! eventually the light went on - weeks AFTER Mother's Day!! Once again I'm frantically looking for a meaningful C-mas gift

My family are "foodies" I'll be shopping fund raisers for homemade jams & jellies, vinegars & oils, heirloom seeds, etc. also at a large wholesale/retail restaurant supply store for inexpensive professional kitchen gagets. if all else fails I might be forced to fall back on w(h)ine & aged cheeses! OR direct delivery ChessiBay crab cakes - YUM

This message has been edited. Last edited by: tessa89,

Idaho, my family has always done the same as your DH's, 3-4 hrs of gift-opening, ooh-aahing over "stuff". Last year we changed it up. Everyone (adults) bought 1 gift. Could be for either male or female. All were placed in a pile. From "Twas the Night Before Christmas", all were assigned a word - such as night, was, and,ect. Then one person recited the poem. When you word was read, you could either take a gift from the pile, or take someone else's gift they had already chosen. We had a ball! Of course, there was a couple gifts that were the crowd favorites, and those were taken many times. Or you could pass, and just keep the gift you had already chosen. Get the idea? It was much more fun than just sitting there for hours watching people individually open 1 gift at a time.

This method saved everyone a ton of money, made the evening fun for all. Everyone still bought 1 gift for the kids, and they opened their gifts first so they could play while the adults had fun. Later on in the evening, we all contributed $5. Money was divided unequally & wrapped up in 2 small boxes. We then played Bingo 2 times. The winner got to chose a box. The first winner could not reveal the amount of money they had won til the 2nd winner had their box. So 2 people got some extra cash for gas money, etc.

I say just start making those phone calls & sending those emails...let EVERYONE know how you feel & that you are willing to do the name drawing thing or whatever you are willing to do. Maybe only homemade gifts can be given? It may cause a stir, but it may just let everyone off the hook. They may be thinking the same as you.

I, too, would like to stop changing gifts with DH's family --

But, it's not up to you to suggest -- you would sound like the bad guy and his family may even come to resent you because you brought it up.

It is always ticklish situation about gift exchanges and anything different your inlaws will talk about you as if you are a scrooge.

I'd love to stop exchanging gifts with DH's sister and her family -- partly because it is not like for like. (We spend between $50 and $75 on her -- she buys me a package of flour sack towels for $3 and she buys her brother a package of handerkerchiefs for around the same -- she makes good money so it's not like she doesn't have it -- she does, she just doesn't spend it on Christmas gifts!)

Martha

I give based on what I want to give. It generally is a home made gift (I crochet) along with candies or what ever baked goods they like. If they feel the need to spend $ buynig us stuff that just doesn't get used that is up to them. They have my whole life to figure out I am not a material person.

I am thankful for their gifts (It's the thought that counts) because it is a gift.

When I was verry young before my Dad remarried we would get together for Christmas, tell stores, sing songs and jsut enjoy each other and have a small heart felt gift.

Wehn my dad married, he marrieda VERRY material person. Who not only had to spend $ but would also buy thing that she KNEW you didn't like if she felt you needed to be more, feminin, so to say. I alwasy got purses, makeup and everything else i had no use for because she felt I needed it.

My Grandma will have themed gifts. one year it had to be something old that ment something personal. I recieved her rinestone R pin that she has had for ages. IT was a nice twist.

I agree - your husband needs to initiate the decision both of you have made to his family. Perhaps while telling them that you will not be giving or receiving gifts this year and in the future that you will be making a contribution to a charity in the entire family's name.

You might still do the one item exchange foreverpainting mentioned. An office party I attended years ago the two most sought after gifts was a cheesecake sampler from a local bakery and a handful of lottery tickets.

We finally got past the gift-giving in DHs family...his sister was the lone holdout purchasing 'stuff' for everyone...since she was on the short end of the receiving line, she finally stopped. What can you give someone? Candles? Body and Bath stuff? We don't do perfumey scents in thehouse and I have skin sensitivities to the perfumey bath stuff. Before the gift-giving ceased, I put those items in the linen closet in the hall. Whenever my then young teenage son needed a gift for a girl friend, he raided the closet. ;0)

The gift giving ended in my family years ago. We gave only to the kids. Then one brother considered himself 'financially strapped' and that ended. (For me...it's FOR the kids so I was disappointed.)

great idea, foreverpainting! we have done the 'white elephant gift exchange' at work, with people drawing numbers for who goes first, second etc. it's lots of fun and not a big expense for any one person.

we've done the 'kids only' with a drawing for the adults in the past. our family is small now, only seven of us, but with the grandkids almost adult age we could do the white elephant and include everyone. think i'll bring it up this thanksgiving when we do our christmas planning.

idaho resident.. i agree the suggestion should come from your husband. good thing you two are in agreement.

one year we did a 'no purchased gifts' exchange. it had to be something hand-made or a hand created gift certificate for a service to be rendered.. eg detailing a car, cooking a favorite food etc.

another idea since money is the favored comodity.. how about having a big pot (or nice glass bowl) where everyone donates into it. another bowl could be for slips of paper listing people's favorite charity.. and have a drawing as to which charity gets the bowl full of money.

let us know what you decide and how it works out for you.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: bana,

We ended the gift giving years ago and opted for purchasing very nice ($35-$50) Xmas tree ornaments for each family. Always gave and received nice ornaments that adorn our tree & will eventually go to my kids. I agree it has to come from you DH otherwise you will be the Scrooge!

if you don't get what you want then try this give each person just a card with a book of stamps in it or just a card.

I agree with everyone else. In my family years ago, we only gave to the kids and the unmarried ones(there were 9 kids in the family). Then as we got married we still only gave to the kids. If the unmarried wanted to give to the married, we gave a joint gift for the family or just the two adults & the kids, but kept money low. My DH's family jsut the opposite. We have to give to his brother (who's BDday is the 24th), his wife, two kids, my stepson, his girlfriend, their baby, and my MIL. She's the easiest: hairdresser,car wahes,etc. GOOD LUCK!!

Thanks, everyone for taking the time to respond; guess I was just "venting" on a pet peeve of mine that comes around every year about this time when I start seeing all of the commercials for "holiday buying."

All of you made some really valid points and in particular, made me think about the fact it IS DH's family, not mine. Since we've been married for 33 years now, I tend to think of all of them as mine as well, but you are right.

So I asked DH if he wanted to iniate the discussion with his sister and brother since he agrees with me that it is a lot of wasted money, time and effort. His answer? "No way, I'm not rocking the boat because I don't really care!"

And, he doesn't, because I'm the one who has to figure some new ideas every year for each person, go shopping to find just the "right" gifts (neither he nor I like to "shop"), and do the wrapping ect.

Before anyone suggests leaving it up to him to do the gifts, I tried it one year with poor results. He didn't buy anything for anyone by December 23rd so I ended up doing the last minute business on the 24th - no fun at all!

So, reluctantly, I will probably go shopping once again to buy material things for people who really don't need them and, quite frankly, care less about the "things" as much as they care about the cost and status of the "things."

In addition to drawing names, choosing charities and adopting needy families in lieu of gifts amongst ourselves, I've also tried the "homemade" gifts idea with a total thumbs down from all except MIL.

The fact is that all of them love to "shop," and this is their favorite time of the year because it gives them a good excuse to go enjoy their favorite hobby so I would be a "kill-joy" to take that away from them but I keep hoping they will change their priorities...lost cause!

"foreverpainting," I absolutely loved what your family did last year! If it was my family, we would definately have a great time doing it as we always played games and cards at family gatherings without much emphasis on presents. DH's family is very different, we sit around and "visit," usually about what great sales they found and which stores they are going to hit first the day after Christmas.

Oh, well, it is good to know that other people have the same thoughts and situations with families who celebrate in very different ways although you would think I'd be over this by now after 33 years! So thanks for letting me vent....

PS. Didn't mean to imply DH's family aren't good, kind and nice people; they are all of that and more. I just regret that the money I will be spending at the name-brand stores for material things won't be available to give to local animal shelters, ect., in this time of need for so many.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Idaho Resident,

Part of my problem is I love to shop for Christmas gifts. I too have to made this decision - so this year, I am digging out photos
of my family. Will buy bigger frame, bigger matt
and smaller picture, and will write a nice note on the matt. Mabe even have a few family members do the same.

we had the same problem.. but two years ago i started making stuff like home made jam and tomato sauce.. so that what they get now.. and everyone loves it.. so we don't spend lots anymore we just can't afford it.. even bying chocolate add up when it's a big family.. so i can stuff in the september and then give them away.. they can spend there money if they want. even DH does not know how to tell his family we dont' want to spend that kind of money that we don't have anymore. I dont' think there is a nice way of saying that.. and i know how you feel about MIL mine is like that too and i would get her anything.. but she does not need anything anymore.. so it just a waste. and we really don't need anything.. i think it should just be for the kids if you have any..

Idaho Resident - is there a gift you can prepare in your kitchen (salsa, popcorn balls or caramel corn, jams, whatever). Then as an example give the salsa with some exotic tortilla chips and an inexpensive chip & dip bowl set; a pretty glass bowl full of popcorn balls; or jam presented with good bagels, English muffins or specialty bread. This might cut down on the costs for you. I'd give several of the recipients the same item to make it much easier. A couple years of this and maybe one of your husband's siblings would be more open to changing the gifting practice.