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We're having a party at home for professional people. They are on the same level as us. many have not rsvp'd. Is it rude to call them to ask if they are coming. I need a final head count for the caterer. I spoke to one person who said he and his wife were coming but they never did RSVP. My secretary is convinced that a lot of them are going to show up without RSVP. So far I have about 50 rsvps. I don't want to seem like I am hounding people but I'm a planner. I don't want 100 showing up and we caterered for 50 or vice versa. I know it's not a wedding but still. Geez! So far I send the mailed invite. We sent an email with the invite to those for whom we had email addresses - so not everyone got the email. I was thinking of calling the top few who we work most closely with. I just don't want to appear rude.

Don 't you just hate when that happens?

It would not be rude to call everyone who has not responded. You can say something like this, in your politest voice," Hi, Nancy. I am calling to make sure you received our invitation for the fundraising party at my home this weekend. Can we expect you and Joe to come?"

If no definitive answer, you could then say: "I am finalizing the headcount and the caterer needs to know by tomorrow. Could you let me know whether or not you can make it by close of business tomorrow?" Obviously, if you do not hear from them by your deadline, put them down as a "No."

The fine art of the RSVP is virtually extinct, so you may want to plan on a little extra with the caterer, just in case. Especially if it makes good business sense to do so.

I agree with Aychihuahua. A phone call is the only way to find out and her suggested wording is gracious and reasonable.

The rude person is the one who did not RSVP. Even ruder to then just show up.

Flboy is correct. By all means call. However, did you put an RSVP by date on your invite? If there was no RSVP date, then you are at fault and your inquiries to fetch them must be even more gentle.

On another note however, I think that everyone should have received an invitation by the same means. In your case sent through the mail.
Offering via mail and email is shabby and opens the hostess up to hearing "I didn't recieve that email" as an excuse from guests beyond the ineptness of our US Postal Service.

For casual parties vs formal occasions such as a wedding, you can expect to have fewer replies to the invitation. Short of including a stamped & self addressed RSVP card along with your invitation there isn't much more you could do to improve the guests' manners to RSVP.

For a FORMAL occasion RSVP card that includes a respond by date, asking the guests to indicate their entree (from the two offered) helps the response numbers, but adding a line such as this really does the trick: "Those guests in attendance who have not RSVP'd will be served Chef's Choice Casserole."

flboy hit the nail solidly on the head. It's also advisable to give a deadline date in which they should have RSVPed, tho that's not a sure bet either. Indeed...call them and politely ask. They should realize how important a head-count is to the hostess w/o an explaination for your call. Shame on them!!!

Just another example of rude and thoughtless people who have no manners in this society we live in, and especially rude on the part of educated people who should know better. By all means call.

I agree totally with those who say to call. It is unforgivably rude not to respond to an rsvp, regardless of the "by" suggestion.

When we had our 50th last summer I was amazed at the number of people (all family) who did not respond, although we had asked them to either email or phone. For the most part these are college educated professional people. Now that I think about it, only the people who were planning on coming did respond.

Thank you so much for your responses.
We did have an RSVP date.
Lurah, everyone was invited by mail. When we were getting closer to the RSVP date, my secretary sent an email to people on the list for whom we had email addresses. A few people had claimed they didn't get the invite so she sent an email to the emails addresses that we have to say we are emailing because some people said they didn't get it by mail. A few more did respond after that.
I called a few people just now ... 9 more say they are coming. This is just aggravating. I'm up to about 60.

You aren't rude to call. They are rude not to respond. How can you make plans if you don't know who is coming? People seem to think that you can pull food, chairs, etc out of thin air. It seems that very few people know how to respond to invitations. Next time I would not invite those who didn't respond.

I agree with the advice not to invite these negligent people in the future. Apparently their lives are too full to reply to formal invitations anyway. Book smart doesn't always equate to socially smart.

Believe me I have so thought about not inviting them next time. Problem is it is a work related event that I am hosting at home so would be tough to get away with ... especially given my position in the organization. Would be accuzed of favoritism and not understanding the political climate etc etc.

One just emailed they'll come if they can get a sitter. I get it re the sitter ... but isn't that why people sent invites ahead of time so people can make those types of arrangements. I could understand if the babysitting arrangements fell through but they have none. Argh! I have a little boy and will have a sitter to keep him away from the party. I am not getting into the providing a sitter option. Keeping my child quiet and away from the party is doable but to add other people's kids in the mix with a party this large with alcoohol etc... not happening.

Count me in with those who say it is certainly acceptable to call ~ the only rude ones here are the ones who failed to respond! Glad to see your follow-up post that you have already began calling....

BTW, with a group that large (60 and counting), I would probably add 10 to the final number you give the caterer. That way between the ones who said "yes" but fail to show and the ones who didn't respond but show up anyway, you should have enough food for all. Have a fun party!

THEY are the rude ones.

Last year we sent birthday party invitations to all the children in our 6 year olds class.

We got ONE RSVP out of 20 kids. The day of the party.. not one child showed up.. no one.

You better believe I called and asked this year. His party was Saturday, we had 11 very nice first graders here. (Oh and Dh who usually is more tactful told the moms who were here,"wow it's so nice you are able to come, last year no one RSVP'd and NO one showed up!!")

I reminded him later that THESE WERE last year's moms!!

I agree about calling. One shouldn't have to but . . .it's now a fact of life if you need a head count.

I also think people are confused as to RSVP and Regrets Only. When I've had to call to see if some were attending, they replied "of course, or else we would call and let you know that they weren't"

So I would definitely call those you haven't heard from.

Martha

Always call to double check.
No matter how rude it is that they don't respond, you're the one paying the bill.

quote:

Originally posted by Kathy_in_wlsv:
THEY are the rude ones.
Oh and Dh who usually is more tactful told the moms who were here,"wow it's so nice you are able to come, last year no one RSVP'd and NO one showed up!!"

I reminded him later that THESE WERE last year's moms!!

Kathy,
That is a hoot! Granted you could have crawled under the rug, but those gals needed to hear the truth!

I even send out invitations for family holiday dinners and include "Please send me your Regrets if unable to attend before Feb 30."

quote:

Originally posted by Linderhof:

I also think people are confused as to RSVP and Regrets Only. When I've had to call to see if some were attending, they replied "of course, or else we would call and let you know that they weren't"

Linderhof, I totally agree that many people no longer understand RSVP. Some people think that it is only necessary to respond if they are ATTENDING and others believe that a response is only necessary if they will NOT be attending; even worse are the close friends and family that ASSUME you know that they will be there or can't attend as the case may be.

I think people DO KNOW what "R.S.V.P." stands for. That term has been used for decades ~ since I was a teenager and had Sweet 16's I was invited to. My honest opinion is that people are just busy, lazy and very inconsiderate and just don't care. They certainly do know what "RSVP" stands for. No EXCUSE. They are totally R U D E and don't deserve another invite again. Find new people to invite! (like me!!! ;-))

Wavy -- I think people CONFUSE RSVP and Regrets Only -- they know a response is needed but not what that response should be (i.e. will be attending, won't be attending for the first and not attending for the second)

At least in our part of the world, I'm convinced of that . . . just from calling those who haven't responded.

Our invitations have read RSVP and had several tell me that of course, they were coming -- if they wouldn't they'd tell me -- well RSVP means to let the hostess know either way!

I don't mind as much for something like a cocktail party for a few more people don't really mean any more food preparation for it's nibble food but if I'm hosting a dinner for 8 to 12, then I DO need a reply for if you're not coming, I'm not setting a place for you! And how embarrassing would that be -- someone show up and no place at the table?

So I call those who don't respond!

Martha

It wouldn't embarrass me in the slightest if someone who hadn't given me the courtesy of an RSVP showed up. It should embarrass THEM! I'd probably scrape up a plate and ask them to eat off their lap, as I wouldn't have the time to tear apart the table to add another leaf.

On the flip side, I once invited all the moms of my child's class to brunch on the last day of school, the invitations said Regrets only. Several did call to say they couldn't make it and what a nice gesture, etc.
I had the table set for the "remaining 12" guests and only two showed. All that food, my lovely table, I was devastated and NEVER invited any of the clods AGAIN to ANYTHING, not even a Tupperware party. My husband & I ate liqueur marinated melon cubes for a week.
To this day I'm still steamed.

This message has been edited. Last edited by: Lurah,

I agree YOU are NOT rude the ones who do not respond are. I was recently at a wedding where there were 3 empty tables, that was 24 x $50-$60 or whatever the going rate per person is. I am sure the couple could have very much used that money for something else!

Lurah,
Were you steamed because you were mad or was it all the liquer marinated melon balls?

Lurah, 7 years ago when our house was 100 years old, I held a party for it. I invited everyone on our street (20 houses) plus a few very good friends. One family told me they definitely were coming, another man said he would bake a cake.

I had a ton of food and 15 people showed up. Many years ago (in the '80's) I decided to have a Xmas party for my grad school class. Can't remember how many students there were, maybe 25? Anyway no one RSVP'd, I had to call them all but then they did all show up. I'm not interested in entertaining anymore but I do fantasize about saying to people that I am going to have a party because I know such and such a famous person and they will be attending!

I did what I wish a lot of people didn't do - post questions, generate a lot of response or interest then never follow up. I apologize. So the party was a tremendous success. About 60-65 people came - all of whom where key people with whom I need to develop relations. About 8 people who said they were coming didn't. The chef came through in a major way. We finalized the menu 3 days before the party. Once that came together I was fine. It was even more successful than last year. The invite had said til 9 but the last people left at 11! It was Friday night so i did't mind. meant they were having fun. People who were there last year said it was even better this year. Outside was a little chilly so we couldn't really go outside too much. A few eople went early in the evening. Hopefully next year will be warmer and we will be able to have it spill outside. That said I was grateful for the weather. It rained the entire next day non stop and buckets! Remember I was asking about warmed nus. No need. The chef had all sorts of exotic nuts on the cheese and fruit table. The fow was much better this year too. I made notes of how things were arranged to make it easier for next time.

Remember the ones who would come if they got a sitter. They came for a little while but left early. Since they had a sitter they wanted to "make it a date night for both of them". I guess I take having an adult evening out for granted - lol. anyway whatever. I was very very pleased ... even as I scrubbed and scrubbed those white napkins afterwards.

Sherrywood, I'm so glad your event turned out so well. It is very satisfying when you look back on an occasion like this.

Glad the event was a success. I know that you worked hard to make it a great time for everyone.

Agree that they were the rude ones. But you shouldn't have had to call anyone. Makes you want to put on invitations, something like "Only those who RSVP by ___ will be welcome."

Glad it was a success, though!