I know you don't remember last year I told you my DH's company (owned by his parents) was closed & he lost his job of 36 years. It was done without warning. Back story is that MIL had told DH the company would be his to run (he was already doing that) when she & FIL retired. The problem being hFIL retired MIL didn't. Kept coming to work once or twice (in case DH needed her). When economy started to go bad she decided she couldn't keep putting her money in company (understandable) but the closing of the business with no notice to DH was hard enough until she asked how long he could work without getting paid. She wanted him to to inventory of warehouse, office furniture, etc. He told her he couldn't work any time without a paycheck. Sister (used to work for company) called him & r@nting & raving about not helping elderly parents close business. Closing business was bad enough but DH didn't get any $ compensation, no sorry 'bout that & all. Then MIL called DH & accused him of "misappropriation of co. gas card funds" & FIL called DH & accused him of "stealing from him for years". DH is the classic example of an honest man. He's never taken anything from anyone. MIL gave him permission YEARS ago to use company credit cards for personal use as long as he didn't purchase any LARGE items. DH feels so very hurt & angry over accusations but is trying to forgive. Since it's his parents how does he move on? I know he's made a lot of progress in that but doesn't want to have anything to do with his parents. Is that complete forgiveness? You can't forget what was said & who said it so have you really forgiven? We aren't attending Niece's wedding in September because his parents will be there. Oh, did I tell you that I have tried to get him to talk to parents but he refuses. Also, it doesn't make me any less glad that we have severed contact with them but after losing my Mom last year I don't want him to not do something. Know what I mean?
Anyway, sorry this seems to ramble but I just need to know how to help my wonderful husband thru this mess. I feel as if MIL has put us house a rrest cos none of the family has anything to do with us. Blames me for a lot.
Please advise. You wonderful people really gave me lots of comfort when my Mom died. Need more words of wisdom now.
Thank you so much.
don't stay "under house arrest". get out there. just say things like "my parents are just getting on in age", etc. Things will settle down. if people think they are just "old timers", you may be fine in the long run.
I am SO sorry you are going through all this! I truly believe you should attend your niece's wedding. If not, you are punishing her for others' behavior and she is innocent. Please reconsider. I heard a radio counselor's advise to someone in a similar situation where they dreaded seeing a certain person at an event: "You don't have to be all chummy, but we can all be CIVIL".
"We are all here.....because we are not all there."
We had a situation that came up four years ago that put a divide in our family. It was a very uncomfortable situation and caused us to have limited visits with my mom for a period of three years. We did not have big family events with everyone present at the same time because of this situation.
Last September my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and we were approached with the request to forgive the person in the situation. Although the hurt had been extensive, forgiveness was the only way to proceed--we had been hoping for reconciliation for some time.
My mom lost her battle in July and our once fragmented relationship with her husband is stronger than ever.
The short of it is I would advise everyone to work together in the spirit of forgiveness because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Not everyone can behave like mature adults, but it is better to make an attempt than to live in an unforgiving situation.
Seek help from a pastor or other trusted person if necessary. I hope that all works out for the best!
I agree about going to the niece's wedding. She chose to invite you, you should be able to show her your love and support, just don't try to have meaningful conversations with the rest of the family folk. Just respond with a civil short comment if they chose to talk to you.
If you need to decide what else to do for your future contact, I found Titus 3:10 to be the answer for me in a similar family/business conflict (definitely not as harsh as you are experiencing)
Sorry about the family business, job loss, and the resulting mess.
So sad and sorry for you and DH at this time. I agree that you should certainly attend the niece's wedding if you want to..she invited you and wants you there. You can be civil with anyone else but I wouldn't put myself out there to be hurt again in such a public place. Any contact should be surface chit-chat at this event. If DH isn't ready to try to contact his parents that is his right not to. The problem comes from all of the time and worry and anger that he is going through...basically overshadowing the rest of his wonderful life with his wonderful wife. I say he (and you if it seems right with him) should offer to "Shake and move on" one more time and then put it in the past. They may come around and they may not...can't make anyone say or do anything they don't want to do. I am sure your DH is terribly hurt...a counselor could help him with his feelings of hurt, guilt, whatever.
I speak from experience with this...have put it in the past. You can only do so much...the rest is up to them. Just my humble opinion here...
No one can live someone else's life for them. And, now one can live yours.
Your husband has the right to do what he has to do, and it may take some time for him to get over this.
Where one person might be able to forgive in a matter of weeks or months...for others it takes years.
All you can really do is support his decisions.
That not to say that you can't go visit or speak to his parents, or whatever you are comfortable with. Just let him know that "you" are ready to move on...and that decision has nothing to do with not being supportive of him...that you understand where he is, and hope that in time he too can come to forgive them and move on.
Maybe, your coming back and sharing "news" about the wedding, and other events...will help him to heal faster.
Boy, this is a big one.
I agree about the wedding; the niece is aware of the situation, I'm sure, but she still invited you out of her regard for you. Don't disappoint her. The day is about her and not your family. Make do. And you might be surprised at what takes place there.
As for the rest of it...I'm a cut the cord kind of person.
A huge slight was done to me by our extended family when my Dad died 26 years ago. It took me 24 years to extend my hand because after all, they were family; it was not reciprocated. Done, long done!!!!
Did I feel badly during those 24 years, nope. Do I feel badly now, nope.
Has any forgiveness taken place, nope
Have I forgotten, nope.
Will my Mom tell me about it when we meet again, yeppers.
Let your husband do as his heart tells him. You can only change yourself.This message has been edited. Last edited by: paus4quilts,
I am so sorry about this situation. How hard it must be to have his parents, and other family members, thinking he is the bad guy. Not to mention thinking you had a career/business in the future and it was suddenly gone. Your husband must be going through a lot.
I have no opinion because there is so much more to this story and so many players.
I have heard that staying away (not going to events) can give the appearance of guilt. I also totally understand cutting ties and not letting the drama consume you. I also recommend counseling of some sort. I wish you all the best. Please take care of yourselves.
((GeeGee)) I can't say anything that others haven't already said, I just wanted to give you a hug.
I'm so sorry about your family situation. I have also experienced extreme hurt from a member of my family the very day we buried our mother. It's been ten years and there has been no contact. I've accepted that this is the way it will be, and I'm fine with it.
I'm probably the only one commenting that we would skip the wedding. This is niece's special day, and I would not take the chance of anything disrupting or taking away her enjoyment of it. I would wish the new couple all the best, explaining why you won't be there...no reflection of your feelings for her.
Wow such a heavy burden your carrying. been there done that. However, every situtation has its own personality. I can't answer your question, but I do empathize with you. It hurts everyone....but life goes on and we each live with our decisions.
Is the invite a reaching out to you and dh?????
So many faucets to family dynamics.
Sending you a big hug.
If life hands you scraps make quilts
It will take time.
I've been trying to type the rest of my reply without going into too much detail. Deep breathe. Very similar to Annon's reply. Two of my brothers vented the morning of our dad's funeral. So just let me say that it took me four years to partially let go of something. It's still there, a niggling distraction. While we are speaking now, I will not ever give them the chance to unload on me again. That is one switch they do not want to trip...or DB with the uncontrollable temper may find out exactly what an uncontrollable temper really is.
Support your husband. If he wants, you might want to talk with your niece and let her know that you will both be thnking about her on her special day. But I would stay away.
Does this hat make my butt look big?
I feel so sorry for your situation. It is never easy when hurtful things happen in a family. You can go to the wedding and show support for your niece, but I would not go out of my way to approach the hurtful family members at all. You may find that they are not going to approach you, either. Hopefully the room will be big enough to accomplish this. Just watch out for the rest rooms, where you can get cornered.
We have a similar situation in our family. My husband's two sisters and brother are the most spiteful, jealous, selfish, greedy, uncaring people I have every met. In my mind, they killed my mother-in-law. She was 94. When she asked them to call the doctor for her ailments, she was told that they could not call the doctor for every little thing. She had terrible pain in her feet and legs. She stayed in a small, upstairs bedroom. Could not come down the stairs, so she was a prisoner there. My brother-in-law was a chain smoker. He would not go outside to smoke, but sat in a recliner all day and most of the night smoking. This, of course, filtered up to her room. She had emphysema. One morning she awoke and could not breath. They decided to call an ambulance, and six hours later, she passed away from celulitus and emphysema. Celulitus is a very bad and quick- moving infection. All this to get her 100 year-old small house. They are just awful people.
It took me a while to let go of the feelings I had. I guess you can say that I forgave them, but I will never have anything to do with them. People don't change, and they will continue to be awful people, but will not be able to display their behavior to me.
I guess you will have to let your husband handle the situation his way. What happened to him was terrible. They could at least have talked it over with him or given him a warning. They were only looking our for themselves and using him. I can understand his feelings. You cannot feel what he feels in his heart. My theory is that if people are not nice to you, stay away from them. They will always be hurtful.
Personally, I would explain to your niece what the situation is, send a gift, and wish her happiness. I would not go to the affair, as I would not feel comfortable there, even though there will be a lot of people around. If you go, your husband would have to just walk away if he was approached. I think you should honor your husband's wishes, and not be disrespectful to him by trying to make up with them.
QuiltmakerThis message has been edited. Last edited by: quiltmaker,
... and as my mom would have said 'another country heard from'. Forgiveness is an odd thing ... and few of us can really explain it. Like the others, I had a horrible thing done to me, by my ex and his wife - they kidnapped and hid one of my children from me and it was years before I got her back - and they had done 6 years of brainwashing, cruel treatment and abuse. Forgive them? **** NO ... I finally had to turn to G od and tell Him it was up to him to deal with them, I was tired of it and wanted Him to help me let it go. Somewhere along the line I realized I HAD let it go ... forgiven? don't know, don't care - he is in a home for alzheimers patients, I kind of wish he had to remember all the horrible things he did - but it's not for me to decide... and for all i know that may be all he DOES remember in his head somewhere. Forgiven? I don't think so, I don't worry about it, I'm okay with it.
You and DH have the right to your feelings and your anger and your deep disappointment. But wallowing in them will soon create sores that will seep and ooze and stink .. maybe you will want to do what I did - got help letting it go and then moved on.
I am sad for you both having to go thru this, it's incredible the horrible things that family members think they can say to one another and not have to be responsible for it. It's up to you guys what to do with it ... and move on together.
I sort of did the same thing. I just told myself that I could not change the people or the situation. Having known what they did and how they act, I could not let myself be around them. My husband and I go on with our lives and don't think about them and don't want to know what is going on in their lives. You have to accept them for what they are and make a choice if you want to have them in your lives or not. I can't say that we hold a grudge or wish them bad, because that is a waste of energy. We just accept them as they are and choose not to have them in our lives. You have to look at the situation and tell yourself that that's the way it is and remove yourself for your own sanity.
QuiltmakerThis message has been edited. Last edited by: quiltmaker,
So very sorry that all this has happened to your and your dh.
Would it be possible to attend the wedding, slip in the towards the back and not go to the reception? You would be there for the wedding part but not be around family that might start something. Just a thought.
Friends divide our sorrows and multiply our joys.
I guess it's when you just don't care anymore. You don't think about it, or feel bad about it. You just let it go. It happened, but you don't have to let it haunt you.
I think there is a difference in the thinking of forgive and forget or forgive (through understanding the who and why) and letting that go but still not putting yourself in a similar situation for the wrong to occur again.
I think we are to forgive--because it keeps us healthy, I don't know that we are told to forget--again, because it keeps us healthy to remember to stay out of problem causing situations.
...well put QW ... the 'forgetting' comes from distancing yourself from the problems and not bothering to think abut it, not dragging it back into the present. Moving on.
From personal experience, holding on to the hurt will eat you up. It's exhausting and bad for your health. Distract yourself so you aren't thinking about it all the time and eventually, it's hold on you will diminish. Let it go. You won't forget - nor should you. But move on and leave the consequences to a higher power.
Could you call the niece and tell her that you would be uncomfortable at the wedding and invite the couple for dinner either before or after the wedding? That way you let them know that you were thankful that they thought enough of you to invite you to the wedding.
This is something that happened to me 40 years ago. I had my last baby and my parents came to my house to babysit my older 3 kids. When I came home from the hospital-I don't remember what time of the day it was but I do know that at that time you had to check out by 12 noon or you were charged for another day,- so it was not like it was going to get dark within an hour or so, when I walked in the kitchen door they were there with their coats on ready to leave because they were babysitting my brothers kids-they were aged 11-6-because my brother and sister-in-law were going out for the evening, it was New Years Eve,I felt that the kids were old enough to stay by themselves for at least an hour.they left and my Mother did not even look at or hold my baby.My Dad did anything that my Mother wanted to do, so he did not comment, just followed her out the door.
That hurt so much and I am not over it yet and my Mother died 7 years ago. My oldest daughter says that I should get over it but I cannot seem to let it go. Maybe someday, but I don't think so.
WandaThis message has been edited. Last edited by: gmvj,
I think the healing process involves accepting things - accepting that people are limited or accepting whatever it is going on, accepting in a way that is not liking it but acknowledging that it is what it is. Not letting it eat us up inside. When we accept that we cannot change others and we cannot fix something, we are freed from that burden.
... of all things, 3rd point today in pastors sermon was about this very thing ... in a nutshell: if we are asked for forgiveness and it's genuine - we are required to forgive. However, there is nothing that says we are to accept something wrong done to us and just say 'oh it's ok'. He used a couple of examples that are straight from the courtroom, a perp glared at the victim the whole trial, got sentenced - and was out of her life. She went to a counselor as she was still having trouble and was told she had to forgive this monster who had no remorse. She was not helped by that. Pastor of course referred to several Bi ble ver ses .. nothing said you have to forgive OR forget. However, as soon as you turn away from the bitterness and hurt - the healing will begin and you can move on ... do not expect those who have seriously wronged you to admit their wrong and ask forgiveness - they are likely just self centered and self concerned. We cannot make them change, and it takes a lot of guts and shame to admit wrong and grieve it.
I was told by my counselor long ago "S&^% happens, step over it and get away from the stench" It works.
I wrote a letter to those two DBs. Saved it to my computer. Fine-tuned it. Saved it. Got it perfect. Saved it...BRB...
Yep...it's still there. I finished it November 23, 2001. DD was buried October 30, 2000. So...a year to fine-tune it. And there it sits.
No. I never printed it to mail. I really don't revisit it to reread. Some day I will probably delete it. Someday...
Does this hat make my butt look big?
[QUOTE]Originally posted by City/Sandie: nothing said you have to forgive OR forget. However, as soon as you turn away from the bitterness and hurt - the healing will begin and you can move on
My thoughts, exactly. Just hard to clear your mind in some instances. It takes a lot of strength.
I take a totally selfish approach to forgiveness! I forgive people for ME, not for them!! If I forgive them then I don't have to keep reliving it. I don't have to play it over and over in my head. I can move on free to be me again. They are no longer taking up room in my brain and playing havoc with my emotions.
The L@ord's Pr@ayer says forgive me as I forgive others, however, it does not mean I have to trust them again, or give them the ability to hurt me again!
Hope this helps and I will keep you all in my pr@yers!
We recently had a sermon about "cleaning out the junk drawer". I wish I had a recording of it, to listen to again and again as needed.
As PWife says, it's good for you.
Can you stay away, without escalating things? Can you attend, without fueling the fire?
Horrible place to be in, and I have no advice, but I surely do pray that you can find something that helps you and your husband handle the pain this has brought you.
I don't have any answers but want to say that I am very sympathetic to your troubles. Not an answer but a comment - if it were me, the only thing I would worry about would be upsetting the niece or disrupting her wedding day. Clearly, the pain is still there between the family members and it doesn't sound like it is even close to being healed. So the real question, at least it would be, to me, would be whether I could attend - or not attend - without hurting the niece. If I felt like I could go and there wouldn't be a blowup, I'd go. If I was afraid of a blowup, I would seriously consider not going. I am not sure I would explain, exactly, to the niece because the last thing she wants or deserves is family drama impacting her wedding, especially since she reached out to include you. She can't do anything about it and I'd think twice before burdening her with my decisionmaking. But if I didn't go, I'd make sure she knew I would if I could. Not sure how would be accomplished.This message has been edited. Last edited by: Penny Quilts,
You know, the other people may not be attending the wedding. So, I would call the niece or someone and fine out. Why miss out on something if they aren't going to be there.
...... thank you PennyQuilts for reminding us of the wedding ... your comments are really sensitive. Along your lines, maybe a nice 'REGRETS' note to the niece ahead of time. Wouldnt have to explain any family drama. Include an nvitation the new couple to a special dinner, and maybe a gift, after the honeymoon. That way no one has to say anything, upset the wedding party, explain anything, or ignore anyone or hide from anyone, or fear ugly snubs or snide comments.
Thank you all for your words of wisdom. I've always said you guys are the best.
We've decided not to go to wedding. Niece understands & we will do something extra special for her & new husband after the wedding. Since it is DH's sister's daughter getting hitched there's no way to avoid MIL & FIL. Same sister's FIL passed on Christm@s Eve & we went to pay respects. We were leaving the chapel & trying to decide if we were going to graveside services when we were approached by the INLAWS. I felt very uncomfortable & so did my DH. I forgot to mention earlier that MIL had called a little while after my Mom passed. MIL "apologized for what happened earlier this year". Hoped we would come for family dinner. "nothing would ever be said about anything". Did not get specific..Express no real sorrow only wanted to get control over DH like she's had all his life. His brother has had his own business for several years & DH approached his about a job. He's been working for him since a week after MIL rocked his world. The bad thing about that is is that SIL was on a strong (almost daily) campaign for DH to forgive..forgive...He finally told her to back off. I think it hurt her feelings but she is a bit of a f@natic about her beliefs. She, BIL, PIL discuss us at dinner outing recently & when I found out I told her we weren't a subject to be discussed like menu at dinner. This SIL & MIL had issues years ago. Now it's like all has been forgiven & forgotten. Seems to be a little hypocritical & that's one of the reasons I asked this question. DH really hates working at brother's company but right now can't do anything about it. It's a reminder but all that has happened. Then with the SIL harping ..sometimes it's too much to deal with. Did I mention that MIL called BIL at Christm@s,said they were coming over to his office & without telling DH blindsided him at his office door bearikng gifts. DH told brother that if it happened again he & brother would "step outside" & discuss it. Remember that old song saying something about "no where to run to..no where to hide"? That's where we are. My DD said until her Dad talked to parents himself things would not change. I told him that & reaffirmed that I would be beside him, behind him or if necessary..in front of him. So here we are...
Thanks for listening. You've helped me & I'm gonna print this out for DH to read.
Sorry this rambled on & on.
It sounds like your DH will be a lot happier if he is not working for family.
On the plus side, at least MIL is reaching out, SIL wants things to be better, and BIL stepped in to give you guys some stability when it all went south. I am sure it is painful but there really sounds like there are things you can work with, some day. Good luck.
GeeGeeQuilts: Glad that you and your DH has come to a decision. It seems that the others just don't understand the hurt or disregard for your DH. I can understand how he feels. There was no real apology from the FIL or MIL. How do you apologize for being sneaky and taking someone's job away and then expect them to take care of things to make the closing easier for everyone else.
Everyone else just wants the incident brushed away to make things easier for them all. It's a shame that your DH can't come to terms with working for his BIL at his company. At least he reached out and gave him a job when he really needed it. He may not think that things were done fairly, either, and he did give him a job.
It seems to me, and I have had to deal with this, too, that others don't feel the same when they are not directly affected by other's actions. They definitely would not handle this by making believe nothing bad occurred if it happened to them.
I agree that both parties coming together to discuss what happened may help, but I think that your DH has been hurt deeply and it would not change his mind or feelings. I have to say that once I lose respect for someone, nothing that they say or do will change my mind about them. This may be the case with your DH.
I think he is handling this situation as best as he can, and everyone should respect that. I just hope that he can change his thinking about his job with his BIL. At least the man reached out to help him when he needed it. No fun going to work and not being happy.
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