Last night on an episode of House hunters, I laughed out loud.
A young couple was looking for their first house. They lived in Charlotte, NC. The realtor showed them a new model, 2400 sq ft. The wife commented that it was such a big space, who was going to keep it clean? The realtor replied that that was her job. The face she made when he said that was priceless and is what caused me to laugh!
She worked full time as did her husband. In their situation what do you think is a fair division (if any) of chores?
They both work, so they should hire a housekeeper.
Yeah, I kinda thought that realtor was out of date! Wonder what his wife thinks! the expression though was priceless!
Well, this is how it works at our house-
DH is retired. He does the yard and sometimes, I help or play in my flowers. But mostly that is his chore. The inside is mine. I do my daily chores each morning- make the bed, tidy up, clean up from breakfast(he usually cooks breakfast), scoop the litterboxes.
I expect him to put his laundry away and help out indoors if I ask- after all- he doesn't have to do yard work every day like I have to do house work!
I do work from home and right now it is full time 6-7 days per week. So I expect extra help from him, and he follows through!
Sigh...a housekeeper would be wonderful!
You mess it; you clean it.
Both do windows.
He can vacuum or push a Swiffer.
Pick up, dust or organize one room daily.
It can be done.
We both do outside (my preference). He uses the Dyson (heavy for my back). I enjoy laundry; he puts away all whites and does beds (mattresses, back--you get it). I fold coloreds; he puts his away. We both do garbage on recycle day. He does groceries; sometimes I manage to cook.
Both retired but we did both work. That's why we still do things the same way; worked then; works now.
The realtor was out-of-line.
I've been married for 37 years and it's been a big change between the first 34 years and the last three years! When we married, we both had equally demanding professional jobs and I would not have even considered marriage unless DH was on-board with the then "liberated" idea that household chores should be split 50-50 so that's what we did and it worked out fine.
Of course, there were some chores that he was better at ~ ever try to pull 100 pound bales of hay off 20 foot high stacks when you are only 100 pounds and 5'2"? Not easy! And, as a typical guy, DH wasn't as detailed-orientated when it came to some other chores so I did them.
But I retired 3 years ago, DH is still working and things have changed 180 degrees. I now do 95% of all indoor chores and even get annoyed if he starts a load of laundry on his own - thanks, but no thanks - I have it all organized just how I want to do it. And he takes care of 95% of the outside chores ~ he enjoys getting outside after spending all week in an inside office and gets to do things his way without any "helpful" suggestions from me.
Oh my, I just realized that I've entered a time warp and woke up in the 1950s!
I thought the realtor was way out of line.
However personally we do split tasks along traditionally male/female roles. DH does all outside (except pot planting, outdoor furniture cleaning)
He mows, shovels, repairs, paints. We have pretty constant work on this old house. He does trash. He now also vacuums our few rugs. He cleans up after dinner. He is much more focused and prompt in doing his things.
I think it is a generational thing also. DD does not work and hasn't since she had kids. The other day her DH emailed us that he was baking bread, a scratch apple pie and marinating flank steak. When I spoke to her later I asked her if she felt "infringed upon" something to that effect. She just laughed and said no she was completely comfortable with him doing that!
My ideal would be for both to pitch in as the need be and to have assigned tasks by preference and/or ability.
I stay home so I do the daily basis cleaning routine. If we are having a party and there is a lot to do then he will help with the details, washing windows and pressure washing, leaf blowing etc. Plus he's the "honey-do fixit man" all the time. LOL!
DH does all the outside work except the planting beds.
I do all the inside work. DH does a pretty good job of not creating any mess in the house...picks up after himself...etc. Except he will not take his boots off at the door which is not a problem to me except when it rains and he's been up to the shop...red mud.
Before going back to work, for 6-7 years I ran the little mower around the house, trees, etc. but no longer do that although at first, he would announce when he would be mowing (New Holland tractor with a 6-foot finish mower like what is used to mow many golf courses). He thought I should get out there with the little mower. We had a "discussion" about when I did not work outside the home I would HELP him with the yard and now I do not have time. Besides, once we were talking with someone and she asked if DH helped with the housework...DH told her we had an agreement...the inside was mine...the outside was his. Ahem...
He revolts by not running the weed trimmer each time. I counter by using the Round-Up which he hates. Do you get the idea that we're made for each other?
I've seen conflicts with couples (married or not) about the inside work. My only question is that if you want the inside work split 50/50 then the outside work should be split 50/50 too.
As long as each is physically able to do so...
DH does nothing inside, I do kitchen cleanup each morning. He does cook, made some delicious grilled vegetables and beef yesterday.
I do all the laundry, I like doing it myself, I've had others do it and didn't like some of the results.
We have a weekly maid who does all the regular cleaning, we are living in Mexico it costs $15 a week. Of course I still mourn the time when it used to cost $25 a week for six days a week maid service.
Since we have 16 acres and LOTS more "chores" than those living in town on small lots...we do what each of us is good at.
The inside & cooking are mine! That includes the laundry & hanging out to dry.
I do all the outside except the big mowing...about 7 acres of mowing when he does the back "bottom" area too. I do some of the trim mowing but try to build my flower beds so there really isn't much to "trim".
He repairs things, builds things & stuff like that. Plus he works at our little business quite a bit, so no time to "help" with a lot of things.
Besides, if anything should happen to him, I need to be able to do it all!
"The soil is the source of life, creativity, culture and real independence." David Ben-Gurion
Works differently for each household and family and can be different at various times of our lives.
I feel I was lucky to be a stay-at-home mom/artist. So while DH worked at his professional job, I did everything around the home, including the yard work (we have a 1/3 acre lot) all the household repairs, cleaning, auto maintenance, and bill paying.
He took early retirement, but then soon went back part time and then full time to work for another company. During that transition I handed over the bill paying and we trade off yard work or do it together. I am out in CO quite often, so he has learned all the household tasks to survive for as much as a month at a time. (I do clean the kitchen and bathrooms to my specs when I get back. Not sure many males have the same criteria for clean in these areas)
I think it can work well whatever system you have as long as a couple respects the labor involved in any and all tasks and does not take these efforts for granted. Respect, noticing, and a Thank You, is most important and always appropriate.
Ack, this is a sore spot with me. Dh does NOTHING inside to help AND does not clean up after himself either. He leaves the cars in pig-stye condition as well. It's about driving me out of my mind. He will do outside work on occasion but we don't have grass so very little outside really needs to be done.
Like the others, DH does most of the outside stuff (cuts the grass, trims, blows leaves), he'll even weed and help me mulch.
I prefer to clean the house myself. I don't like the way he does it, even if I should be appreciative that he tries to help. His idea of cleaning the bathroom is to use a wet paper towel on everything and he'd rather use the electric carpet sweeper rather than pull out the vacuum.
But he does do most of his own laundry
Sounds like you need to have a Come To Je$us Meeting with him. That wouldn't fly at my house- mine tried it.
Bummer. I rather agree with Becky56. My only other comment would be that if he's acting like a child, treat him like one. I would bundle his "wayward" stuff up in trashbags and toss everything in his main transportation. Round up the spare key to your main transportation and do not let him have access to it.
There's absolutly NO WAY I would gather up his dirty clothing off the floor or wherever he drops it and wash it. Rack that stuff up -and if you have two bathrooms - dump his dirty stuff in the tub he uses! Clean the other bathroom spotlessly, lock the door to keep him out, and pocket the key! I know...I talk big...but as Becky56 stated - it is time for a CTJ Meeting!!
I never heard this saying before. That is in a frivolous context. Only in a more eva ngel ical way. Think Maine is mostly secular.
Oh, us southern folks know what a CTJ meeting is, and you don't want to be the subject of one of them!!!
DH does a much better cleaning than I do WHEN he did any cleaning. Now I do whatever gets done most of the time and then the housekeeper does the deep stuff. He will help with dishes and shopping. Laundry occasionally. He'd like to do all the outside work but health issues are interfering right now and its frustrating to him. We have a lawn service for the grass and I've sadly neglected my poor flower beds which DH never touches. Particularly after he dug up one of my favorite bushes.
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
Have to laugh.
CTJ meetings are very common here (not just down South) but they really have nothing to do with reli*gion ~ basically it is slang/short-cut or quick-speak for "get your head out of where it has been and join the rest of the world!"
I agree with the others, CCM. You need to have a talk with your DH ~ chances are that he "might" step up a bit when you let him know that he is setting a bad example for the kids and, goodness knows, such behavior is simply unacceptable for a grown man! But, tread lightly, it might come as a shock when he is forced to face his own actions, lack thereof and resulting consequences...
So, choose the time carefully but know that very few of us would put up with a grown man who fails, not only to help, but continually contributes to the problem. Best of luck ~ you deserve someone who acts as an equal partner ~ not just with the kids or being the one who works (brings home the bacon) BUT also one who shows respect for the home where you all live.
Gosh, I've never heard of that saying before at all. But, totally agree. Something needs to change here.
Amazing things one learns on these boards. ;D
Get your head out of "there"
How the cow at the cabbage
Perfect example from the online urban dictionary
come to je$us meeting 126 up, 29 down
A meeting where someone close to you (e.g. friend, family, etc.) are confronted over behavior that's causing consternation that's negatively effecting your relationship.
"You and your brother need to have a come to je$us meeting over you always having to do his chores and yours."
C&P by me.
FFG, Just read your post completely.
Did you and DH have a CTJ meeting over the bush?!
I understood what the meaning was (is). I was just saying I had never heard that expression before.
Regional areas do have different expressions and also other language differences. The other day a man came to give us an estimate on something.
When he left I said to DH, he is a native born Mainer. I knew because there is a certain quick intake of breathe that Mainers use sometimes interspersed between their words. Kind of like the Ay yuh most people recognize but not quite as noticeable.
My husband was born just a few miles from here (northeast Texas), however when he was 5 months old his parents moved to the Texas gulf coast.
Sometimes I saw something...he will smile and say, "Daddy said that." Sometimes he looks at me as if I'm speaking Greek and asks me to translate. LOL It's different from one end of Texas to the other.
Oh...once he told me "that doesn't make sense". Ummm...that was definitely not a good reply at that very moment.
My husband used to accuse me of practically grabbing the clothes off his back to wash them and cleaning the house too often. However, I was a complete slob about leaving my clothes and stuff laying around. Seriously, who needs to sit on the couch when that was one of my favorite places to pile to the top with my junk. My DH got fed up with my ignoring his requests to do something about it and started gathering everything I left laying around and dumped it on my pillow just before bedtime. He doesn't like me tell that story because he says it was a mean thing for him to do, but I have to say it worked. My mess look entirely different to me atop my pillow then it did lying around the house. Maybe your husband is unable to see the mess he is leaving or appreciate just how much of it there is.
While it's a sore spot with me because we both work more than fulltime, inside it falls on me--and The Husband is a slob, doesn't pick up after himself, etc.
HOWEVER, I knew this about him when we married, and knew I'd prefer THAT over my father's method of OCD cleaning, even when I had double pneumonia. It allows me to have a life beyond the cleaning closet.
And, on occasion, I can ask for The Husband's help inside and he'll do it if he's not sick, overly exhausted. He's good at doing "a" job, and sticking with it until it's cleaned thoroughly--which I appreciate. He doesn't do a wham-bam job.
Outside, he has to do nearly all of it because I have developed a terrible poison ivy skin allergy. I don't garden, flowers or veggies, because of it.
Cars, I'd say he does more than me. It's not just cleaning, it's the repairs. But, like the license plates, I take care of that. I keep the car maintenance inventory on hand--cleaners, making sure the hoses work, rags are clean, etc. And, I keep up with gas prices, pump my own gas most of the time, etc.
LOL- I do DH the same way. If he gets lazy and leaves his things laying where he left them, after a day or so I leave them piled up on his pillow. He finds shoes, dirty socks, dirty underwear...I not so nicely pointed out to him that it is just plain rude and demeaning for him to leave them where they lay because who does the think is going to pick them up- the dirty clothes fairy? It took a few times of him moving the ever growing pile from his pillow to the chair or floor only to come to bed the next night and find it on his pillow again and getting a pointed discussion from me and now he puts the pillow pile away befoe going to bed. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do!
I work full time, DH is retired. I pay my niece and she comes once every other week. She does the kitchen, bathrooms, dusting, changes the bed and vaccuums the whole house.
I had a knee replacement during the summer, and DH took over the shopping, with a list. He does a lot of the cooking, runs the dishwasher and puts them away, and some laundry.
When the kids were small and we both worked, I did just about everything inside, so it's totally changed, and for the better! But he does have a habit of leaving power tools in the dining room, and the dining room table is his office. So it ain't perfect, but it's good. And he does all the outside stuff, and the cars.
Since some of you have mentioned being untidy or husband's that are, will relate this story of our Friday. First thing even before bkfst, I came into kitchen and commented on empty paper towel holder he had left on counter and something else too. There were some other things that I had also left. I said, boy we both are messy.
Well DH was so outraged that I would "criticize" him that in about 1 minute we were at war.
Actually I haven't been this mad at him for a long time.
After 35+ years of marriage, I have learned to hold my tongue a bit more. The thoughts may still run wild in my mind, but pass quickly if not spoken aloud. Lucky I am, to have a very sweet/thoughtful DH who would not hurt anyone.
Seems couples can often begin to think of themselves as extensions of each other...just in different bodies (you see bad qualities in your spouse that you also have). So now I stop and pause and think, "Would I say this (and in this way) to a good friend who was visiting?" If the answer is no, I rephrase or keep my mouth closed if it does not matter.
That, and what I learned from positive reinforcement dog training. "Catch them being good, and give them Praise/treats for it."
I like that!!!
After 50+ years of marriage, I haven't and actually think I should be able to make some observations that are not always so positive.
As far as treating my DH like a dog, don't think so! As a human man he receives much praise and admiration from me. He is extremely talented, industrious and witty and generous. He is also hyper sensitive and very critical himself. People are mixtures of many qualities, maybe slightly more complex than dogs?
Big thumbs up!!!!
I repeat my earlier statement:
And I stated the above dog training remark with a sense of humor...anyone catch that? lol
I did, Conrad!
You are referring to Psychologist B.F. Skinner's operant conditioning. He is the one who introduced the term Reinforcement into the Law of Effect. It works on animals, including humans.
This thread is really funny!!! I didn't finish everyone's comments, have to go somewhere now. I think it's everyone's responsibility who lives in said household. That said, it will be a cold day in July when "The Husband" (stolen from another poster, love it!) cleans the toilet, bathroom, or does any laundry. He occcasionally runs the dishwasher on his own (without training!!). His main "CHORE" is to take out the garbage and he's very good at that. I think that's his best household chore, considering that he doesn't do too many 'on his own'. My DD does nothing. She's wonderful at eating, sleeping and internetting (new word!!!)and her "CHORE" is cleaning the cat litter box. She only does that because if she doesn't she knows I will scream at her, so she does it, not because her babies need a clean bathroom.....
SPRING HAS F I N A L L Y SPRUNG!!!!!
Whew...(thanks metwo,Charcoalsmom,still tryin), thought I might have stepped on some toes there. Not my intent, for sure.
Conrad, I caught the humor too. Immediately made me think of the Sandra Dee movie, If a Man Answers. Just before she got married, her DM gave her a book about training your puppy. LOL
I, too, am loving this thread ~ thanks, LOS, for starting it ~ and the fact that all of us have somewhere to go to vent, share ideas, choices we have made and suggestions on what has worked for us as well as letting others know "how others live" if you follow my garbled grammar!
Myself, I have started to ask myself a new question during the last few years (DH and I have been married for 37 years - first marriage for both of us) before I open my mouth when I get irritated with something he's done or NOT done!
And I freely admit that seeing a Dr. Phil show started the concept in my mind but I've refined it to suit my own purposes. That question (to myself) is "Would you rather be right or be happy?" Of course, I know that I am always right so it just comes down to whether or not it is worth the unpleasantness that will occur should I attempt to prove it? Big surprise, it usually isn't, so more and more, I just choose to be happy and keep my mouth shut unless the subject really is worthy of discussion and makes a difference in the long run.
Having said that doesn't mean that I am, in any way, saying a person should allow themselves to be run over or taken advantage of ~ regardless of the circumstances. There is a time to speak up....
I am enjoying hearing how everyone else lives so keep posting all!
I feel I was way too harsh about my DD. She doesn't 'do anything' because I have never asked her to. I grew up Never having any chores to do and I raised her the same way. (We tend to raise our children the way we've been raised). We both turned out a little lazy I will readily admit. That said, my DD is a wonderful kid (she's not a 'kid' anymore) She is very trustworthy, reliable, and a 'great kid', I was indeed blessed. Yes, she is way old enough to do more chores. And whenever I have asked her to do things, she DOES do them. I just don't require much of her, MY mistake!! She's 18.
SPRING HAS F I N A L L Y SPRUNG!!!!!
No Conrad, it wasn't the dog training thing, but the length of marriage thing that seems to imply that the longer one is married the smoother things go. We still are the same individuals who married no matter when that took place.
Also you have to re-read what I said to DH. I was simply making an observation. I was not making a criticism, but even if I were, am I never to do so?
I could be wrong but it seems to me that most marriages have a dominant partner and a "submissive" partner, not all, but most. You know where one person decides where they will live, how many kids they will have, where they vacation etc. Maybe this is less marked now but believe me even in the days of my youth it was not always the husband!
Does such a dominant person ask himself or herself, would I rather be right or happy? No they are happy getting there own way. It sounds to me that it would be the other partner who would be asking such a question, because their "rights" are so limited. Just MHO
Well I let my husband think he's the boss, but we both know who it really is. I truly am the glue that holds everything in place and together in our household. We 're building a condo now and outside of 3 things, I'm the one who made all the decisions. He loves the phrase and quotes it often "happy wife, happy life". He's good about helping out around the house and does all the mowing. I wish he'd do some cooking- he does the grilling - but then I'd complain about the mess he would create, so I bite my tongue. We've been married for 48 years, so I guess our system works for us.
This whole thread is interesting, it does seem to me after many years of marriage things are smoother. In my marriage things one of us would explode at, never bother us much, we are also each much more appreciative and polite to each other. Of course after many years of marriage, hopefully each person has matured in a good way and have better priorities for our life together, doesn't mean we don't get on each other's nerves at times, we had to go through the retirement transition of being together so much.
dominant/submissive - now I'll have to think about that part...
Thanks for that clarification, lady of shallot. I really was afraid you were thinking I was line to line comparing DH's to dogs and their training.
Each marriage/friendship/partnership/parent & child relationship, etc all seem to have their own compromises and variations, as things tend to change and develop over time in our lives. Both with good and difficult situations. Our lives are all busy, and choices include many more than in past generations, along with no set gender specific household jobs and tasks...thank goodness for many of us.
I for one, would rather spend an hour with a self propelled lawn mower than a half hour vacuuming. Unless maybe I had that ride on vacuum?
LOS, I quoted most of your last post so that my comments will be in context and, once again, thanks for starting this thread ~ I'm finding it very thought-provoking and entertaining as well!
As for your morning discussion with your DH? Of course you were totally within your rights for making your observations which he took as criticism and off goes the battle. I completely understand how angry it made you ~ understandably! Which is where my post re "being right or being happy" came in....
I do see the dominant/submissive characteristics you mention in many marriages but that doesn't happen here. Just the opposite, both DH and I have extremely strong personalities which is why I posted about asking myself that new question "right or happy" after so many years of marriage.
I find it funny that things that would have started a disagreement years ago between the two of us never even take off now days because I have chosen NOT to engage and when I don't, he doesn't if that makes any sense.
Fun thread ~ keep posting all! Just to add a little more to the discussion, let's up the stakes.
We started out talking household chores BUT there is a lot more to keeping a house running than just keeping it clean. So, who does what when it comes to filing tax returns, ordering heating supplies (propane, oil or wood), monitoring the bank account, checking out insurance and filing the required forms, roof repair after storms, sprinkler system maintenance/blow outs, furnace and hot water failures, air-conditioning units, paying monthly bills, television and computer problems and list goes on and on ~ who does what in these situations?
This is true in our house also, I've finally learned not to respond to unimportant comments I disagree with, not worth getting into an argument about different opinion that are not important to our daily life together. I can remember some of the things that used to distress me, now I think who cares if we disagree. As I told my friend yesterday, if it not immoral or illegal, you do your thing, let him do his thing.
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